WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration scrambles to find a replacement for outgoing advisor John Kelly, officials announced Monday that a high-level White House ficus would leave for the State Arboretum of Virginia after declining the president’s offer to be chief of staff. “The ficus has been honored to serve President Trump and the American people these last several months and plans to continue advancing the MAGA cause as a member of the private sector,” read a statement drafted by an aide for the ficus, noting that the potted shrub was one of the longest-tenured and most-trusted members of the Trump administration, spending countless hours working alongside the president from a sunny spot inside the Oval Office. “Rumors that the ficus was forced out following a heated argument with Jared Kushner are simply untrue. The ficus will spend the next few weeks helping with the transition of its replacement, a large fern, before departing to work in the tropical plant section of the arboretum.” At press time, the White House was reportedly thrown into chaos after the large fern confirmed it would not accept the new job.
NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the quick thinking and multi-tasking abilities that I’ve demonstrated during this internship will be invaluable to president Trump when I’m serving as his secretary of state,” said the 23-year-old college graduate who reassured herself that if she paid her dues by delivering the correct beverages, she would eventually earn the right to determine U.S. policies toward foreign powers and navigate complex diplomatic issues that might place the world at the brink of war. “I’m a real go-getter, and my can-do attitude would make me a great asset to the president. Not just anyone can keep a cool head while trying to remember who takes their coffee half-caff and who gets three pumps of vanilla syrup with just a splash of soy milk, but if I keep at it, I can really see this unpaid internship helping me get my foot in the door at the U.S. State Department. Maybe one day I’ll help foster peace between the United States and Puerto Rico. It’s just a matter of time before I have an intern bringing me coffee!” At press time, Butler was drafting up a resume on her iPhone to send to the White House.
NEW YORK—Frustrated over its inability to penetrate the more lucrative market, Fox News is struggling to attract viewers in the younger 60-75-year-old demographic, sources reported Monday. “Despite pulling big numbers with the 76-to-90 crowd, there’s a lot more we can do to draw in that coveted 60-to-75 audience,” said Fox News acting CEO Rupert Murdoch, adding that the company’s long-term health was in jeopardy if it didn’t revitalize its aging viewer base by appealing to younger, more hip seniors. “Even throwing in references they’re familiar with, something fresh like Sha Na Na or the Smothers Brothers can help. Maybe we could try to get the remaining members of Peter, Paul, and Mary to do an ad spot for us. God, how does TCM make it look so easy?” Murdoch admitted that hiring practices at Fox News may have played a part in the network’s troubles, as programming has traditionally not been entrusted to anyone in late middle age.